biggestPain

Life Stories

Geschichten aus meine Leben

What's the biggest Pain I've gone through?

Reminiscing about my 29 year old life the biggest pain I’ve gone through so far is not being myself in front of others. Maybe biggest is not the right word but it is the one pain that has been there all my life. So I guess it is the pain that has accompanied me the longest and has had the biggest impact on my life.


Always trying to fit in. Behaving in a way I thought others wanted me to behave. Making sure I would not stand out, be of another opinion so I couldn’t get hurt. So I went silent. Quiet and shy I sat in my corner observing my surroundings. Always going for the ‘easiest’ choices, adapting to my environment. Easiest choices meaning what other people wanted. Not the easiest and best choice for my own desires and needs.


Sadly I could not even feel this pain of not being myself as I numbed my feelings so I could function better and would not be overwhelmed by things, situations and people and show my true self. Again out of fear of being hurt. But the thing is I got hurt. And the even sadder thing is that on top of that I hurt myself. I hurt myself by not letting me feel my feelings, by not speaking up for myself, by not choosing what I wanted and desired, by making myself small, by pretending to not know how to do things or not knowing what I wanted even though I knew what I wanted but was too scared to ask for it or get it myself.


There was this fear of not getting what I wanted. And the even bigger fear that what if I got what I wanted and I still would not be happy? What if I realize that once I have what I want that it’s not what I want. And what if the things I wish for and desire do not work out the way I want them to.


There is this fear of failure. Of speaking out loud what I want and then fail. I do not want to be a failure. But then again it is only quite common belief in our society that failing is a bad thing. I once read FAIL stands for First Attempt In Learning. Just now when writing this I realize it should be AT learning. But honestly that doesn’t matter. The message counts. If I do not do things because I am scared, How will I ever find out if they are my thing and if they are really what I want. And honestly for me my biggest fear is actually the fear of accomplishing the things I desire. This is really grotesque in a way. One day I am all in, the next day when I get a bit closer to my goals I am so scared of achieving them.


Now after 29 years I finally am at a point in my life where I can say I live my inside out. When I was 19 I walked the st. James way. On that path I wrote down Inside out. I want to live my inner true authentic self on the outside. I want to be me inside out. At 23 during a trip to Nepal I decided to get another tattoo. It is a dandelion with the text inside out on my feet. This is my wish. This is my desire for every human being on the planet. That you can be you and feel good and confident about it. Back then when I got the tattoo it was important to me to have the writing facing towards me and be mirrored so that no one could read it easily. It was just for myself and again I was scared to show myself. Now I am ready to show myself and I am ready to spread my message.


Why am I sharing this with you? I share this with you because I am sure … No actually I know that there is lots of people having the same feelings. You are not alone in this! Let’s start talking about our fear and what we truly desire. Share your true self. If feels so much more real, alive and authentic. Because there is No other Person that is like you. You are YOUnique. And you deserve to be you inside out and live the life you desire!


-Anna-